Category Archives: Parental Fears

Protecting My Teenager From Young Love, Raging Hormones

Posted on June 4, 2013 by | 4 Comments

This is day two in my 15-Day Blog Challenge .

I pulled up to a stop sign minutes from my house and saw two young teenagers holding hands and talking intimately. They were wearing backpacks and seemed to be saying goodbye. I imagine that they just got off the school bus together. I watched the girl turn coyly from the boy as he brushed the hair from her face.

As I drove off (because I didn’t want to seem like some weirdo stalker) I was taken back to my own teenaged years. I remember all too well what that potential for young love felt like. It was all-encompassing and held my every free thought. Boys were the only thing my girlfriends and I seemed to talk about. We could sit around for hours obsessing about who was cute, who we liked, who liked us, who was “hooking up,” who was dating, who we wanted to date, etc.  I  read romance novels and watched romantic comedies like I was studying for a quiz on how to be in love. I wanted to be Baby from Dirty Dancing one minute and Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman the next (not quite the best role models for girls). The pressure to partner up was incredible. For me, this was a major distraction in school.  I wasn’t a bad student, but my priorities definitely weren’t straight. School for me was 75% social scene/extracurricular activities and 25% academic learning.

Now that I am an adult with a son about to head into highschool, I constantly worry about what it will be like for him and all my children. I look at my son’s passion for sports and his good grades and secretly hope he will continue to keep his focus away from dating and all the other crap that comes with young love and raging hormones.

I don’t want him to rush into anything. Love and dating will come. It will be amazing, but being young and free is also amazing. I want him to carve out his own path and discover his passions without clouded judgement. I want to protect him from heartbreak and teenaged fickleness. I want him to think of only himself and his dreams for as long as possible.

Highschool should be a carefree time in the lives of our children. A time for self-discovery and coming into your own. But this is not reality. Teenagers have an incredible amount of pressure on them to fit in, to get good grades, get into a good college, and make decisions about who and what they want to be when they “grow up.” It’s not fair really.  Sometimes I feel like we are asking too much of these kids at a time when they are ruled by their hormones. At a time when what Mommy says has very little impact. At a time when everything is shiny and new and exciting and seems like it will last forever.

I want to protect my son and guide him through every stage. I want to whisper in his ear as he is faced with decision after decision. I want to carry the burden for him and convince him that there are some things that don’t really matter, but others that actually do matter. That there is more beyond today.

I know motherhood is about getting our kids to a point of independence and allowing our children to learn from their mistakes, but it’s so hard when you are constantly gripped with worry and fear. The worrying never goes away. Instead the worry just transforms with each stage. My earliest worries included my son getting kidnapped from his crib while I showered. Now I worry about him making poor decisions in the name of some girl or just forgetting his own passions and going down a road of regret and pain.

This is yet another reminder of all the ways I tortured my own mother. Sometimes I wonder how she or any parent ever gets through it and then I remember the answer. One tiny step at a time… oh and lots of praying, hoping, talking, freaking out, and then breathing.

What are your biggest parental worries? Were you ruled by your hormones as a teenager? Please leave a comment or join me on the Tiny Steps Mommy Facebook page.

If you have a blog and would like to join the 15-day blog challenge, please do so using the link-up below. There are no rules. There are no pre-determined topics. If you can find the time to comment and visit everyone else to show support that would be amazing, but there are no requirements. Just write and be you for 15 Days in June.

Here are the other blogs participating in the challenge:


 

 

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Trust Your Instincts to Protect Your Children From Predators

Posted on March 19, 2013 by | 3 Comments

I am a fiercely protective Mama bear. I insist on holding my children’s hands when we cross the street. I keep my eyes on my children at all times in public places. I do not like them to play in the front yard without an adult present and my younger children have never had a sleepover at a friend’s house without me present. Yet, I unknowingly allowed a child predator into my life.

This predator worked with children every day as a teacher. This man was unassuming. I felt sorry for him because he seemed so lonely. He did not have many friends and never had much luck getting dates. He was a little awkward. He seemed to miss social cues. He never knew what to say and always came across as a little strange, but sad and non-threatening. The caretaker in me thought he just needs a chance.

I was always taught to treat everyone with politeness and kindness. So, we invited him to a few social gatherings. He even went out to dinner with our family once. I ignored how he made me feel.

Then came the bombshell. Everything we believed was wrong. He was not just some lonely innocent who needed a break. He was a man with a problem. A sick depraved problem. I will not go into the details, because it is in the hands of law enforcement. He is also no longer teaching and I hope will never be allowed to work with or near children again.

He fooled everyone. In a million years, I would not have guessed his secret. I ignored how awkward he made me feel because I didn’t want to be rude. I didn’t want to dismiss him simply because he was a little different. I take solace knowing that he never hurt my children, but that is not good enough for me to reconcile the fact that I allowed him into my life, even for a moment. It is not enough to reconcile that I was wrong. So wrong.

You never really know anyone and a true Mama Bear cannot ignore that little voice for fear of being rude. What is more important – being seen as a perfect host or keeping your children safe? This experience has taught me a lesson about who I let into my life. While it’s not okay to intentionally be rude to someone just for being different, it doesn’t mean you have to bring them into your life, into your home, or near your children.

I have been asked before about the best way to balance teaching our children about stranger safety, while also teaching our children to use their manners and interact with adults. In other words, how to teach naturally shy children who are uncomfortable with adults they do not know well to be “polite.” My answer now is clear. NEVER force your child to hug, kiss, or even shake hands with someone they do not want to be near. Our children’s instincts are better than ours. If your child doesn’t want to, then why force it? Do you really care that much what other people think? Who says that good parenting means teaching our children to hug long-lost Uncle Joe? That Uncle is still a stranger to our child. A wave and a quick hello should be enough for everyone.

Your child will not grow up lacking the ability to socialize, network, or interact with others just because he/she does not want to shake hands with your neighbor at four-years-old. This will come in time.

What is most important is protecting your child because you can never be too vigilant. I believe in the goodness of people and will open my heart to anyone in need. But this does not mean taking risks with the safety of my children by allowing a wolf in sheep’s clothes into my life again.

Have you ever been surprised to learn that someone is not what they seem? Are you concerned with teaching your child to be polite? Does your child shy away from adults they don’t know? Have you ever forced your child to hug or kiss a relative? This is an important discussion. Please leave a comment or join the discussion on the Tiny Steps Mommy Facebook page.

Editors Note: This person was not in any way associated with my daycare nor do I ever allow visitors other than immediate family into my home during working hours.

 

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Are You Using Fear in Parenting?

Posted on January 27, 2013 by | 6 Comments

I do not like when fear is used as a form of control on children. Real life is scary enough, so to fill our children’s heads with stories of boogie men and bad guys seems cruel and unnecessary. Yet, as parents there is this fine line that is hard to balance. We want to protect our children and keep them safe from the many dangers that exist, but we don’t want our children to grow-up believing that there is more bad than good in the world (at least I don’t).

I swore I would never use fear as a parenting tactic. I grew up in a time when children were taught to fear all strangers and to constantly look over their shoulders when walking down the street. I remember believing and/or fearing that I would be kidnapped or raped every time I walked anywhere alone. As a child and well into my teens I remember feeling perpetually scared of something. And even now as an adult I grip my keys and race to my car if I am walking alone after dark – regardless of the neighborhood.

I recognize that being fearful is part of my personality and I am not trying to place all the blame on my upbringing. I am the first to admit that I sleep with a night-light, I will not ride roller coasters, and if I ever “jump” out of an airplane please know I was pushed because I would never willingly make this choice.

I do not want my children to share my fears. Nor do I not want to lean on fear as my only way to parent my children. Yet, despite my best intentions I have caught myself using fear in my parenting. I cringe every time I catch myself, but truth be told I do not think it can be avoided completely. And sometimes desperation makes you rely on the only thing you know.

When my kids first hid from me in the middle of a store my heart started racing and I called out to them in a high-pitched shaky voice. In my head all my childhood “stranger danger” fears leaped to the surface and moments before losing it completely I heard the muffled laughs. I grabbed my children, hugged them and then looked them in the face and told them with the sternest voice I could muster to never do that again because a stranger might take them. Their eyes opened wide and I could see the seed planted. They didn’t say anything in that moment, but later on before bed the questions started.

“Why would someone take us? How do you know there are bad guys?”

I hated myself for planting that seed. For ruining their innocence. For using fear simply because I was fearful.

I did my best to answer their questions honestly. I explained that I was scared. That I thought they were lost. That there are people out there who do terrible things and my job is to keep them safe, but that they do not have to worry. I told them that there are more good people than bad, but that children have to be careful and stay close to their parents just in case.

I know I could have handled that situation better. I know I could have chosen better words, but this is the fine line I am talking about. The line I struggle with at times.

I will never tell my children, as I was once told by a distant relative who was babysitting me, that the boogie man will take them away if they misbehave. But, I have to teach them to be vigilant because there are real dangers out there. So, I struggle with what is right and I struggle because I do not like seeing those seeds of fear grow.

So what do you say to your children? Has your child ever opened the front door and stepped outside without asking? Has your child ever answered a knock at the door before you were even downstairs? Has your child ever run toward a strange dog? Has your child ever engaged in a conversation with a stranger? How about running away from you in a public place or across a street?

These are the situation when we as parents are tested. When we have to ask: Is it really a terrible thing if our instinct to protect our children is to teach fear? Is some fear healthy? How much is too much? Are you using fear in parenting and is it ever okay?

Please tell me what you think by leaving a comment below. I believe this is a conversation we should have as parents.

You can also join the discussion on the Tiny Steps Mommy Facebook page.

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